Life In Recovery

I will take it easy and be less selfish. I will reach out to my network and not isolate.

God please grant me the courage to embrace a new me. open, accepting, not perfect and not reaching and settle in to the possibilities.

Basically. Although it’s easier now than say a few months ago. Like I was reading a bunch of really good sober memes on instagram and identifying on such a gut level with all of them. It’s comforting yea, and I can relate to them all and it keeps this alcoholic humble for a bit. The tricky bitch of it all is that it’s not enough. I have to be mindful of my addict thinking at all time. A sober friend of mine will let me ramble on all the shit going on in my head, program talk, and he’ll smile at the end and say “keep it simple stupid”. 80% is ugh, yea, the other 20 will worry and obsess that I should know this already. Why can’t I see that. I want to know that. I want to know it all. I want answers. Which is the very thinking that is me, all me, pretty much all of the time. Time has helped. Awareness of my attitudes and behaviors is a step. Acceptance of is crucial. Surrender to is my hope. One day at a time. Hell, one moment at a time.

In a meeting this morning someone shared a milestone. Not in length of sobriety but in attitudes and behaviors. She was able to stop the mental tortures of the never enoughs and exhaustive obsessions of addict thinking. Like actually stop. Pause. Don’t do it. See the old behavior and sit in it. “Sit in your shit”, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable”. Stop sprinting. I don’t have to sprint anymore. I don’t need things, the searching is over. The truth about this disease is that it doesn’t go away. In fact it’s progressive. But right now I’m not in the grips of alcoholism. For now. I am an alcoholic. What keeps me sober is admitting constant defeat. It feels good. I used to live in chaos. I didn’t know it was chaos. It was just my life. So many years strung together, decades, running. But today is enough. Thank God. My life, my job, my body, my relationships, parenting, the next few hours. And in this reckoning I give in. With God’s strength I list my “get to’s”. I get to wake up sober today, I get to spend time with students today, I get to drive in a car that works that brings me home. I get to meet Alex at the bus stop, I get to enjoy the hours in my day today, and I get to reflect on these things. Sober.

I woke up today 8 months sober from drugs and alcohol. I didn’t decide to write about it, but here I am. I had an idea to start a blog of some sort a few months ago, but abandoned the idea as selfish, egotistic and too much work. But this morning I opened up an email from a sober community suggesting I start a blog for accountability and reflection. That’s it for now.